More Jimmy Fallon Quotes

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“i’m a horrible driver. my dad taught me, and he sucks. we’re from brooklyn, so there’s not much need to drive.”

“i went to england with [gloria]. you start talking english. i was there a week, and at the end i was sounding like, “oh, cheers.” my sister was like, ‘what’s wrong with you?'”

“i think it’s 1-555-shes-only-19, you perv.”
— when an interviewer asked for kirsten dunst’s phone number

“[gloria’s] bedroom was weird. you had to walk through my bedroom to get to her bedroom. so it was the worst, you know? i was starting to use hair spray and stuff and trying to make my hair look cool. and she would catch me. i remember one time I was singing to paul mccartney. this is while everyone else was listening to twisted sister and whatever. and i remember i was lip-synching something in the mirror-like ‘uncle albert’ or something. [and gloria walks in] with my dad. i saw him in the mirror. i was like, ‘oh my god!’ and they just shut the door and no one talked about it. they were like, ‘dinner’s ready.’ dinner was extra quiet. it’s just so embarrassingly sad, but that’s what happens when you have no privacy, you know?”

“we were weirdos. we would make each other laugh all the time, even when we hung out with other kids. like this one girl, we were playing atari with her or something, and my sister, she kept beating this girl who says, ‘yeah, i beat my uncle at this all the time.’ and my sister goes, ‘your uncle must be an ass.'”

“when [my parents] come up to see the show they wanna stay at my studio. they think it’s really big. i mean, i live in a studio, and two extra humans – that’s three total. so my mom wakes up at 6am and rattles things and polishes silverware! i’m getting in at 6 because the hours at s.n.l. are crazy. i’m sleeping on an inflatable mattress and all of a sudden i just hear things in the kitchen. frying eggs. i’m like, ‘do you think we’re in a mansion? i can hear every single thing you’re doing.’ and she’s on the phone, so i’m like, ‘where do you think we are, mom? you’re standing over me. the shadow of the phone is on my face!'”

“i tried to smoke ’cause paul mccartney smokes and simon and garfunkel smoke. so i got a pack of cigarettes and i’m like, ‘i’m gonna learn to smoke, man, screw this.’ i was in l.a., and i walked up and down venice boulevard and i’m like, “yeah, man,” and i’m letting it hang out of my mouth, you know? and then i got home and it stuck to my lip and i’m like, ‘oh f***!’ i pulled it off and my lip ripped open… yeah, my lip stuck to the thing. i have sensitive lips. so i pulled it and… you know when you stick your tongue to some frozen thing? except it was a cigarette. maybe i left it on my lip too long.”

“and i remember one time i went to, adam sandler had a party, and uh, i went to his house and leonardo dicaprio was there and drew barrymore and all these people. and i was just like, ‘how you doing.’ then i would go to the bathroom and be like, ‘oh my god! oh my god!’ i’m like, ‘don’t freak out!'”

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